Gorilla vs. cold water 馃槀
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Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it鈥檚 a sound investment.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.