October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
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Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*