“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
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Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER