Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
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bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.