I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Birds & Planes.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-