I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
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Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Encore…
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath