listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
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Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Accurate
Kids, do not try this at home!
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”