“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
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Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
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Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.