“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
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Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …