“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
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American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
My dress code is business-casualty.
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.