“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
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YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I’ve been drinking.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed