Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow