“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
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Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.