@UNDEADTRESOR

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

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@ceejoyner

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

@MissBamanthaa

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

@noog

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

@MumInBits

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

@ninatreemonkey

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

@badbanana

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

@Smooheed

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

@pizzajaynow

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

@HushJared

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

@Storminika

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way