The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
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Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
checking out some reviews of my local library
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.