“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
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I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!