“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
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Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little