“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
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– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
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Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
is this how new cars are made??
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Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe