I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
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[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears