Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
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Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
guys i’ve cracked the code
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”