Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
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“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
What a chick magnet..
set yourself free xox
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How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?