Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
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My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.