*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
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[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Breaking news:
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”