*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
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The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
A drum solo but on your face.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!