What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
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If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
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Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My therapist after every session
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Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
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Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.