Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
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Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
*orders delivery*
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.