As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
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If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
This could be us but you eatin’
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.