[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
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If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.