The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
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Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
same energy
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug