The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
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Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
My birth announcement for our third baby
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus