I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
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From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”