Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

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Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic


*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*


I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.


“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.


[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants



Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.


“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou


Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”


It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution


Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.