Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
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NASA has no chill
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
March 16
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Hank is one in a melon.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.