@Carter_TCB I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
@Brianhopecomedy Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
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@Carter_TCB 
@prettysadmostly bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
@Lenabellalou gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
@daemonic3 Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
@OhNoSheTwitnt Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
@DurtMcHurtt I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
@_kayditty The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
@ilovepie84 I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
@frogbunnie 6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
@TheCassandraDee A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”