@clark_gasm Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
@Brianhopecomedy Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
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@clark_gasm 
@bekindofwitty Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
@AndyAsAdjective Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
@TragicAllyHere *being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
@HatfieldAnne Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
@wit_haze I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
@AimeeHelene1 Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
@hammyinmiami You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
@scootergonscoot {to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
@OakHill_ Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.