Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

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I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.


bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit


Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?



Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.


The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.


I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match


6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM


ME:KIDDING it only eats kids


A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”