Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
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Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed