@Brianhopecomedy

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

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@Carter_TCB

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

@prettysadmostly

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

@daemonic3

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

@_kayditty

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

@ilovepie84

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

@frogbunnie

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

@TheCassandraDee

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”