Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
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My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.