Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Noted.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently