Noted.
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You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet