Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
You Might Also Like
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?