“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
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My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
welcome back
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.