My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
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Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…