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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Reporter: *ports again*
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.