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2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle