Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
💁🏻♂️
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!