Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one