Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
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Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
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*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
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