Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
You Might Also Like
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Nice try, poison.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him