If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
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#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.