I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
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Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Choose your fighter
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.