A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
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what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Yes, this is exactly right
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
If you love someone, let them tweet.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I wish I could veto my bills.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?