Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
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Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
IT’S-A ME,
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*