After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
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When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”