Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
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My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.