5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
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Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
broke down and did it
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
This could’ve been an email.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!