I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
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Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.