When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
You Might Also Like
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry