Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
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Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I created you as mosquito food.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.