Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
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He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
OMG 🤣🤣
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
The Joker was right
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
? 💀
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
March 16