challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
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Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.