My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
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Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕