Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
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That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind