why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.