We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
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AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
In Canada they just call them geese
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself