anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
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Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again