it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
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I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
😂😂
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Reporter: *ports again*
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.